Solace

She screams at the top of her voice.

“I told you thousand times that I hate rain!!! Like you I don’t find solace in rain-washed buildings and pack of muds. You better stop calling me at the middle of the nights, afternoons, and evenings- whenever it rains heavily! I am just not your girl; try to get that pleeeease, for God’s sake!!”

She hung up the phone, right on his face. This guy doesn’t stop calling, especially when it rains. She hates everything about him, everything!! Utterly worthless!

He knows that she likes men who can speak articulately. He thought maybe speaking in something other than Bangla might help him to catch her attention. Poor guy didn’t even understand that it’s not the language that you are speaking in; it’s how a person speaks and the content that the person talking about. He tries his level best to speak in English which he is clearly not comfortable with and uses some extra accent; because to him that makes him sound smarter. His by born introvert nature doesn’t help him in any way in this case. And when he hears her saying “Hello”? Well, adrenaline rush starts. He loses track of his words and his messed up extra accent messes up a bit more.

She looked out of the window. That ugly rain drenched building which has lost color at places stares back at her. She paused, the piano instrumental of “Your Lie in April” that she has been listening for the past few days and heads towards her shower.  For some reason she wants to soak herself in rain today, but not in a mood to leave her tiny room. She turns on the shower pump and sits against the wall. She could feel the flow of the water starting from roots of her hair to faded jeans. Staring at that white tiled wall she thinks of the man who used to speak so articulately. The one who put her on a pedestal; a pedestal made of words which probably doesn’t exist in his world anymore, the man who has shredded her heart into tiny pieces with articulate words. Even today she can’t help but gets lost in the way he used to speak.

He didn’t turn the light on. He loves the way the lightning is flicking tonight and lighting up his room after every few minutes. His hands are trying to find its way back to his phone and dial that usual number to find some solace. Another lightning strikes; his room lights up temporarily and reflect a tiny bit of light on the tear which was streaming down his face.

She came out of her shower a long ago but forgot to change that wet tee that she was wearing. She looks into the places of that ugly four storied structure where it has lost colors. She knows she is yet to find her solace.

The rain has started to pour down even heavier than it was a while ago. Probably it has found solace in giving itself away today.

Clueless

“Tell me something about yourself.” (Imagining myself sitting almost at the edge of the chair facing a guy wearing formal with a very corporatish look asking me this)

-Extrovert?  Nah!
-Hopeless romantic? (Seriously? I wish there was an emoticon to describe this hopelessness! That would have helped, of course excluding that romantic part. I am astonished to see that I even dared to pick the word “romantic” to describe myself! Shame on me!)
-Okay, clueless!!!
Ah! That somehow fits perfectly! Or it’s just that I like to think that I have an oblivious mind? See! I have no clue where I am going, millennial problems!
No matter how unsure I am of my hurdle, there is no denial in one thing that with those answers I couldn’t have secured one single job. Thank God, I didn’t follow my mind in the interview boards!

I was never really bothered about being clueless because I never had a specific reason. I still get lost in my own world in the most awkward situations and I realized that it’s not a matter of worry when you have no reason to get clueless but when you have one, you really should think about it.

I question my mind for losing its direction. I tell myself that life was never complicated to me. Then why did everything start to go wrong? And since when it started to happen? Probably the day that Blue and White window started to make much more sense than the person who was sitting beside me and my favorite sound became the default tone of messenger. Silly, huh? I knew it was.

But still I fell for that.  I thought it would never happen. Who fall for words?? That too typed words which you just see; the letters, punctuations, emoticons but not the real emotions. Well, I did; I so fell for it. We talked. Days after days; night after nights. We shared our favorite tracks links with each other, the video that made us cry and the troll made us laugh hard. We fought over our replies. We started to act like those couples who have been living under the same roof for years where as our existence were just limited in that Blue-White window, the window which didn’t let me see beyond the boundary that we were already in. We thought we were in love; or just he thought and I knew that I had stepped on to an abyss!

His birthday comes before mine. I had all the plans to surprise him because I wanted to see myself in his eyes when mine delved into his. But I never got to see my reflection there. I am sure it was his glass, anti-reflective one! It couldn’t be anything else, it just couldn’t be! I knew I am there, deep inside his heart; which wasn’t on his sleeve. It was fragile. His poor heart couldn’t take all the love that I safely kept aside for him.

I still go back to our old habitat, our Blue-White world; where we used to pour our heart out. I wander around those lifeless words that once we exchanged. Probably, I want to touch his heart through those or maybe that’s the closest I can get to him now. He seems like those nice bokehs’ that I have always cherished but never got to capture.

His name used to appear in blue, now it’s black. I have been filtered out of his life the way that girl discards her imperfect selfies to save some space on phone. Still, I stumble upon his name, click on it and the usual blue-white window goes as clueless as I have become. 

Flipping Coins

Have you seen “House of Cards”? That famous series with loads of political twists, where Frank Underwood’s character has been portrayed as a highly ambitious manipulative politician, Claire Underwood as a cold hearted beauty with brains and a couple which never should be considered as an ideal one? Although in my opinion this duo is the ultimate definition of power couple. I still can’t get over that episode of HOC in the first season where Claire ends up feeding those hungry protestors who were so against of her husband, how table turns in a jiffy! Anyway, I am in the middle of Season 4 of the same series where this power couple is going through a bad phase. I keep smacking my lips in anticipation; this power couple surely can win the whole world together. Judge me as much as you want; my relationship goal has always been to conquer the world with my guy just the way this couple has been doing. Of course, I don’t plan to go that far like them, but yes a bit of control over my very own world is something that I would always want.

I am sure you are questioning my obsession over this whole “power couple” thing. You are thinking that my heart is not really suitable for all the struggles or simply I am fond of shortcuts. Hence, my power couple theory has taken place in my life rather than preparing myself for battling alone. Well; “Solitude” -that happened to me, numerous times. In fact, it still happens. I enjoy being alone and sipping over a cup of coffee standing beside my window. I crave for my little “me” times and I reward myself with that every day, whenever I get the opportunity. Even the beauty of singlehood strikes my mind every now and then so bad that without even thinking I question myself why on earth people opt for this marriage and stuffs! I know it’s not even a minute that I spoke about my plans with my dude but hey, there is no harm in being honest!

Speaking of solitude, I don’t know if it’s a trend or just one of those millennial problems that people like to believe, being single is like one stop solution. Some actually think it’s about being complete, self-dependent and strong. Some think that it’s where the freedom is and loving someone else is too much to handle. For some reason I can’t say the same. I feel like that track of Passengers, we actually hate the road most when we desperately want to get back to home. However, agreeing to let my loved one go is just not my thing. Anyway, I think I couldn’t have appreciated my “Me time” more if I didn’t know that how it feels to be with someone; probably wouldn’t even think of spending some alone time as healing pills. I have started to love myself a lot more after being involved in a serious relationship. I understood that my opinion is valuable because disagreements started to find their way to get in my life. Weirdly, it made me realize that how important it is to make stands and playing safe is not really a safe option.  I have never wanted someone else’s attention more before engaging myself in a relationship and to get that I worked hard. At the same time, I got to know that I actually don’t need anyone to make me feel complete. I, in fact realized that how capable I am of many things and how my flaws are wiping out all my good deeds as my guy was there to remind me that. Someone who is dead against of relationships will never realize all these, because that person doesn’t want to know about the other side of the coin. Yes, there is always other ways. You can always have that one friend in your life or your parents. It’s just when you decide to share your washroom to your life with someone else, the scenario gets a different charm. The charm that makes you realize that you really don’t need to put your walls up every time or when you are about to take the leap you know someone down there is waiting or simply ready to take the leap with you. It’s not about “the one”; it’s about the one who makes you realize that you are “the one” even when the crowd is bigger than you imagined.

Oh, you still don’t think so? You haven’t seen the other side of the coin, have you? Flipping coins is just not your thing, eh?