Clueless

“Tell me something about yourself.” (Imagining myself sitting almost at the edge of the chair facing a guy wearing formal with a very corporatish look asking me this)

-Extrovert?  Nah!
-Hopeless romantic? (Seriously? I wish there was an emoticon to describe this hopelessness! That would have helped, of course excluding that romantic part. I am astonished to see that I even dared to pick the word “romantic” to describe myself! Shame on me!)
-Okay, clueless!!!
Ah! That somehow fits perfectly! Or it’s just that I like to think that I have an oblivious mind? See! I have no clue where I am going, millennial problems!
No matter how unsure I am of my hurdle, there is no denial in one thing that with those answers I couldn’t have secured one single job. Thank God, I didn’t follow my mind in the interview boards!

I was never really bothered about being clueless because I never had a specific reason. I still get lost in my own world in the most awkward situations and I realized that it’s not a matter of worry when you have no reason to get clueless but when you have one, you really should think about it.

I question my mind for losing its direction. I tell myself that life was never complicated to me. Then why did everything start to go wrong? And since when it started to happen? Probably the day that Blue and White window started to make much more sense than the person who was sitting beside me and my favorite sound became the default tone of messenger. Silly, huh? I knew it was.

But still I fell for that.  I thought it would never happen. Who fall for words?? That too typed words which you just see; the letters, punctuations, emoticons but not the real emotions. Well, I did; I so fell for it. We talked. Days after days; night after nights. We shared our favorite tracks links with each other, the video that made us cry and the troll made us laugh hard. We fought over our replies. We started to act like those couples who have been living under the same roof for years where as our existence were just limited in that Blue-White window, the window which didn’t let me see beyond the boundary that we were already in. We thought we were in love; or just he thought and I knew that I had stepped on to an abyss!

His birthday comes before mine. I had all the plans to surprise him because I wanted to see myself in his eyes when mine delved into his. But I never got to see my reflection there. I am sure it was his glass, anti-reflective one! It couldn’t be anything else, it just couldn’t be! I knew I am there, deep inside his heart; which wasn’t on his sleeve. It was fragile. His poor heart couldn’t take all the love that I safely kept aside for him.

I still go back to our old habitat, our Blue-White world; where we used to pour our heart out. I wander around those lifeless words that once we exchanged. Probably, I want to touch his heart through those or maybe that’s the closest I can get to him now. He seems like those nice bokehs’ that I have always cherished but never got to capture.

His name used to appear in blue, now it’s black. I have been filtered out of his life the way that girl discards her imperfect selfies to save some space on phone. Still, I stumble upon his name, click on it and the usual blue-white window goes as clueless as I have become.